It’s May 14th, 2017. Mother’s Day. This day is filled with so much mixed emotion for me it’s hard to know what to feel.

For the last week, I’ve felt “out of sorts” and couldn’t really put my finger on why. It could have been that work was a little hard this past week. It could have been the fact that my daughter woke up polka-dotted on Wednesday morning with a head-to-toe body rash from an allergic reaction to her antibiotic. It could have been that my dog can’t stop rolling in the smelliest crap he can find in the yard, requiring regular baths. But, it also could have been the approach of Mother’s Day.

 

Being a mom has been the best job I’ve ever had. I love my daughter, Emery, so much I could die. She’s one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. All of that joy, love, laughter, sass, intelligence, curiosity, and innocence – wrapped up into one tiny, tiny human, feels almost impossible to imagine. I’ll hug her extra tight today and thank God every moment for the gift of being a mom.

 

However, Mother’s Day is honestly really hard for me.

I woke up this morning at 4 a.m., wide-eyed and scrolling through my Facebook feed. I was met with pictures of my friends with their moms – celebrating the women in our lives who shaped us into the adult (or quazi-adult) humans we are today. I was met with pictures of my friends with their babies – squeezing them extra tight and smiling extra big because being a mom is the greatest job. But I was also met with sadness, loss, and frustration – women grieving the loss of a mom or a child, women praying for the chance to be a mom, and women struggling with infertility or praying to adopt.

Seeing those stories, transports me back to 2 years ago. They transport me back to the Mother’s Days when we were struggling with infertility, the days when we were waiting for an unknown baby to be born and for an unknown woman to bless us with her child. Those were some of the hardest days of my life; wanting to be a mom more than anything in the world and having no control over whether it happened or not.

Emery’s 2nd birthday is tomorrow – and two years ago today I was wondering if I’d ever be a mom. We had been through a failed fertility attempt. We had been told by the doctors, “you probably need to think about adoption”. We had just had a failed adoption and hadn’t yet gotten the call that changed our lives forever. I remember all of that pain. I remember how hard Mother’s Day was for me.

Mother’s Day, in a way, reopens those wounds and transports me back to that very real pain and the very deep longing I had to be a mom. It reminds me over and over that Mother’s Day is hard for a lot of us. I think a lot about these women today – the ones struggling, waiting, and praying to become a mom. Today, I’m wrapping you up in a big hug, lifting you up in prayer, and standing in solidarity with you. I know your pain. I see you.

Today, and leading up to Mother’s Day, I also think a lot about Emery’s birthmother. I wonder how she’s doing today – and I wish I could hug her just one more time – and thank her for the incredible gift of motherhood. I think about how we will honor Emery’s birthmother on Mother’s Day when Emery is old enough to understand her adoption (which I am told is probably next year). I wonder which Mother’s Day I’ll spend explaining to Emery, that it’s not her birthmother’s lack of love – but abundance of it – that lead her to choose adoption. I pray for the Mother’s Day when Emery knows the love of both her birthmother and me.

The magnitude of all of those thoughts compounded upon me this morning and lead me to get out of bed at 6 a.m. on Mother’s Day (who does that?) and sit in the silence with a hot cup of coffee, my laptop, and all my feelings and write this blog – write, to all of you.

So, Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there. May you be celebrated for all the work you do to keep your tiny humans alive.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the women who maybe don’t hold the title of “Mom”, but “mom” us just the same. You’ve are an important part of who we are today. “It takes a village” is no joke.

And to the women waiting for the title of “Mom”, I’m sending you a big hug today and I’m praying for your first Mother’s Day, too.

To everyone else, let’s just use today to love each other a little harder, squeeze each other a little tighter, and surround ourselves with people who matter to us.

Lots of Love, Jess