Part 28.

On December 30th, 2014, we were notified that we were officially listed as a waiting family.  We were excited when we finally got word that they would start showing birth mothers our book – however we knew that getting “home study approved” was just the beginning of a VERY LONG journey.  We knew that being matched could take months, maybe a year or more.  So, at that point, we settled in for the wait – not knowing how long the wait was going to be.

We heard from lots of different people that the wait is the hardest part.  We knew that a family like ours, could wait on average 6-12 months to be matched – just to be matched.  We could wait another 6 months to bring a child home.  Knowing all of those things, we kept our expectations low and the celebration minimal.  We didn’t want to get ahead of ourselves.

We didn’t go out and buy a bunch of stuff – we didn’t buy anything actually.  Some families will begin getting the nursery ready – painting, buying the furniture, getting ready.  We just kept on living our normal lives knowing some day in the future, we’d get a call that we’ve been matched.  At that point we’d begin preparing for our family to grow — but until then, we didn’t want to create any more obvious reminders that our family was still childless – any more reminders than a few bare and empty rooms waiting to be filled with kids…

A few weeks later, per usual, we received the monthly newsletter from Adoption Connections.   The newsletter usually gives the waiting families and adoptive parents updates about things that are happening with the agency, birthmothers that they are working with, and children that have been placed/matched.  I usually skim the headlines, read about the parents that have been matched and check to see if there’s any pertinent information for us.  This month, there was something that caught my eye…

In this newsletter, there was one story in particular that caught both Ben and I’s attention.  It was a story of a birthmother the agency had just begun working with.  The birthmother hadn’t matched to an adoptive family yet.  She found Adoption Connections through a brochure that she got while at an abortion clinic in southern Indiana.  She was now connected with our agency and had decided to give the child up for adoption.  The agency was awestruck because they had no idea how their brochure got to the clinic all the way to SOUTHERN Indiana from Muncie.  Nevertheless, the story stuck with us.  It felt like divine intervention – like there was a reason for this girl to get connected with an adoption agency almost 5 hours away, even though there were plenty of agencies nearby.  Ben and I couldn’t help but be interested in the story – and we couldn’t help but wonder if this birth mother was meant for us.

The way our agency works, we would have no way knowing whether or not our book had been shared with this birthmother or not:  We don’t know when our book is shared with any birthmother – until we’re picked.  We have no way of knowing HOW many birthmothers had viewed our book.  So we tried to take the story at face value – at just an interesting story about an interesting birthmother our agency was working with.  We tried, but we also couldn’t help but wonder.

Almost a month passed from the time of the newsletter – by then Ben and I had moved on from the birthmother and figured she had already matched to one of the families in the agency.  We figured another lucky family was getting a child – and that family wasn’t us – but to be sure I still checked the page about every other day to see if there was a new “matched” family on the website.  Nothing.

On February 4th, I received an email from Jessica in the Adoption Connections office – a form email to all the waiting families to have us fill out an additional form with our preferences for children we would be willing to be matched with – a form called the “Interest Inventory”.  I also received a call from Jessica letting me know that she had sent me the email and that she needed the form filled out and returned to her – as soon as possible.  The email also included an update to how waiting families can update submit their profiles – they were now allowing videos.  I read the email and grunted.  More paperwork to do.  More forms to fill out.  AND NOW VIDEOS!!?!!?!  I forwarded the email to Ben and called Jessica back.  She was at lunch, so I left a message.

I have to say that I was irritated by the request.  We already filled out a mountain of paperwork including indicating preferences of what type of child we would accept.  I was irritated about the arbitrary nature of needing the paperwork returned “ASAP”.  I hate ASAP.  I was irritated that I had worked so hard on my book and now they were offering the option to do videos!!!!

So at 1:14 p.m. I forwarded Ben the email.

Shortly thereafter at around 1:20 p.m. Ben walked upstairs to look at the email with me, complain a little about more paperwork, and groan a little bit about having to do a video.  As he was doing that, my phone rang.  It was the agency.  I picked it up expecting Jessica to talk through the new form with me.

It wasn’t Jessica though, it was Rebecca, the agency Director.  I wasn’t expecting her to call to cover the new form with me – and she wasn’t.  I greeted Rebecca and then she said,

“Jessica, we have a birth mother that’s picked you.”

At that moment I was shocked and speechless.  We had only been waiting a month!  Without even thinking I said, “Are you serious?”

Rebecca assured me that she was in fact serious and then proceeded to walk me through who she was, her background, her health history, and any other information that they had.  It was all a whirlwind.  In that conversation with Rebecca, we learned that our birthmother was the one we read about in the January newsletter just a few weeks earlier.  Rebecca let us know that she would send us all the info she has on the birthmother and that we could take some time to think about it, review the documents and decide if we wanted to move forward, but to let her know in the next day.

We asked lots of questions, mostly about how confident they felt that this birthmother was going to go through with the adoption.  Rebecca reassured us that all indications pointed to the fact that she would complete the adoption.  She is due June 2nd, so by summer we could be parents.  I wanted to say “YES!” right then and there.  I couldn’t fathom a reason that I would say no.   But something held me back.  Something said, “wait.”

Ben and I took the evening to review everything, talk about it, and be sure.  While combing through the paperwork we learned that our birthmother (we’ll call her Amelia) was 20 years old, enrolled in college, unmarried.  She and her family’s health history looked relatively normal.  We learned the father was bi-racial and was “sort-of” in the picture.  We learned that she was having a girl.   We learned that baby girl was normal and healthy according to all the early tests and ultrasounds.  We learned she was raised Catholic, like me.  We learned that she loved to run and swim.

Ben didn’t seem to need much time, he wanted to say yes while I was still on the phone with Rebecca, too – and he probably would have.  I wanted to take my time.  After looking at everything, Ben was ready.  I was still tentative.  There was something unsettling about how fast it all happened – I didn’t expect it.  It doesn’t happen this fast.  I wanted to be sure.  There was a feeling that I had – that I still can’t describe – a feeling like this isn’t our birthmother.  I couldn’t find a legitimate reason to say no besides “my gut” so Ben and I said “YES.”

We said “Yes” to Amelia and her baby.  Yes to being parents.  Yes to our future daughter.  While that decision greeted me with lots of excitement – I was also overwhelmed with fear.  There is so much that could change.  Amelia could change her mind at ANY TIME.  All of this excitement and joy could turn to pain and sadness at the whim of a 20 year old girl – a college kid.  I can say that because I know college women better than any age group. I spend 90% of my time surrounded by, working with, and focused on traditionally-aged college women.  I know this generation of young women well.  I know how they emotionally handle things.  I know the average maturity level.  I know what to expect.   I love this age group.  I love working with young women.  I love helping them find confidence and power and their authentic selves.

But to think that the future of my family lies in the hands of a 20-year-old college women scares the living shit out of me.

I’m also, amidst all this, thinking back to when my sister – at a young teen age – had a child.  I’m remembering the struggles she went through regarding whether or not to keep the baby.  I remember watching her struggle as a young mom to manage being young and wild and free – with the very real, very hard responsibilities of being a mom.  My sister came out the other side of it relatively unscathed – she survived – and now has a human, that is probably my favorite person on the planet, to call her son.  But I wouldn’t wish all her struggles on anyone else.  I would hope that Amelia would realize how hard it would be to be a single mom at 20 and decide to continue with the adoption.

But that is her and only her decision to make.  There’s no telling where this road will go.  All I know is that there is 117 days between us and the due date.  That’s a lot of time.  I can’t help but be excited, but very, very, very scared.

Ben and I decide to keep the news close to the vest for awhile.  For now, we just wait.