Part 22 – Thanksgiving Day 2014 – Thursday, November 27th

The morning of Wednesday, May 28th – almost 6 months ago – to the day – I woke up early, showered, and headed to the Lab to have my blood pregnancy test done.  You’d expect most people to be nervous and anxious before the test – and awaiting the results.  That morning, however, I found myself at peace – with a sense of overwhelming calm.   I had arrived at a place where it didn’t matter anymore what the test said – we were going to be fine either way.  At that point, I expected the test to be negative – and in a lot of ways – I had already moved on in my mind.

I arrived at the clinic, walked straight back and was back out in 5 minutes.  I then headed home to relax.   I had taken the week off of work so that I could take the time I needed, whatever happened.

At about 10 a.m. Sarah called.  I didn’t hear my phone ring, so she left a message.  When I listened to the message it didn’t say much except, “We have the result of your blood pregnancy test.  Call me back and I can tell you the results.”

We already knew the results in our hearts, though.

I called Sarah back, with Ben standing there next to me.  When I finally got Sarah on the phone, it was not her chipper, upbeat voice that I was used to.  It was somber.  It was sad.  It was a little uncomfortable.  You could tell that this was the hard part of her job.  The part of her job that she wasn’t very good at – and didn’t particularly like to do.

She said, “Jessica, we have the results of your blood pregnancy test back.  The test was negative for pregnancy.  long awkward pause…  I am so sorry.”

At this point, I am almost annoyed with the tone in her voice.  It’s like she just told me I have 24 hours to live.  I’m sad, but in my brain, I’ve already moved on to what’s next.  I don’t want a pity party.  I don’t want a sad, awkward voice on the other end of the phone.  I don’t want a bunch of mopey doctors and nurses telling me how sorry they are.  I want to know what’s next.  Perhaps it’s the fighter in me, but I don’t really have time to mope about – and I don’t really need to (at least I thought I didn’t).

Sarah then says, “If you want, I can schedule a meeting with you and Dr. Carnovale and Dr. Boldt to talk about it and what the next steps are.  Do you want me to schedule something?”

“Yes, actually I would love to do that,” I say.

Sarah schedules a meeting with us and Dr. Carnovale and Dr. Boldt for about 3 weeks away.  I hang up the phone and look at Ben.  He heard everything.  We give each other a long hug – there’s something so comforting to me when I bury my head in my husband’s chest and he wraps his arms around me.  I pull away just slightly, look up at Ben and say, “Let’s not make any decisions about what’s next until we talk to Dr. Carnovale and Dr. Boldt.  Let’s just not think about it until then.  Let’s just enjoy our anniversary weekend.”

Ben responds, “Agreed.”

Than I say, “Can we go to Patachou?”

On our 5th Wedding Anniversary.

Fast forward two days later to our 5 Year Wedding Anniversary.  We’re sitting at the bar at Sullivan’s having a glass of wine, waiting for our table and secretly hoping for a Reggie Wayne sighting – we’ve seen him there before – and in that moment, as Ben and I are laughing with the bartender, I am reminded of how lucky we are – of how lucky I am.  I’ve never felt so loved in my whole life.  I’ve never had someone who is so very much on my team.  In that moment, even with all that we had been through in the last year of our lives, I feel very lucky.  I feel very happy.  On our 5th anniversary I found myself happier than I’ve ever been – in the midst of some very real pain.

Fast forward to three weeks later and we now find ourselves sitting down with Dr. Carnovale and Dr. Boldt.  We walked into the office and it feels weird to be in there.  I spent practically every day for a month sitting in this waiting room – and now all of the sudden it feels wrong.  Sarah opens the door to call us back – but this time – again – she’s not her chipper self.  It’s somber again.  Everyone in the office is somber again.  As we walk through the door, Sarah looks at me and says, “How are you doing guys?”

I respond, “We’re good Sarah.  How are you doing?”

She seems a little thrown off by our levity – but walks us back to Dr. Carnovale’s office where he and Dr. Boldt are sitting at the table.  When we both walk in, they both stand to greet us, shake our hands, and in sad voices ask us how we’re doing.  I again say, “We’re good.  We’re doing good.”

We sit down and Dr. Carnovale opens my file and him and Dr. Boldt start walking through what happened and what their thoughts were about how the procedure/process went.  At one point, I interrupt them and say, “Listen, we just want you to give us the honest truth.  If IVF isn’t a likely possibility, I just want you to say that.  We want to have a family – how we have a family isn’t really important.  We’d like to have kids that are biologically ours, but if that’s not a reality, tell me.”

Dr. Carnovale and Dr. Boldt seem shocked.  I don’t think they’ve ever had a patient so ready to hear the “bad news” and move on.

I continue, “We’re pretty comfortable with adoption if that’s what we need to do.  But we need you to tell us if we’re wasting our time with IVF or not.”

It’s almost as if Dr. Carnovale and Dr. Boldt have gone slack-jawed.  They both look at each other and Dr. Carnovale says, “Jessica, we could do another round of IVF, but I feel fairly confident telling you that we’d get the exact same result – pretty much every time.  I’d say your chances are 1 and 5 at best – at the very best.  We could do 8 rounds and you’d still not end up pregnant.”

Dr. Boldt chimes in and says, “We hoped your egg quality would be better, but it wasn’t.  You’re eggs are very poor quality.  I honestly don’t think that you will be able to get pregnant using your eggs.  I think adoption is a great option – my wife and I have adopted.”

Dr. Carnovale said, “In my professional opinion, IVF isn’t an option.  We could try egg adoption, but I’m not confident in your ability to carry a child because of your endometriosis.  Egg adoption is expensive – but you’re odds could be just as low there too.”

I interrupt again and say, “Dr. Carnovale, I really don’t have a strong desire to be pregnant.  That’s never really been important to me.  Frankly it scares the shit out of me.  We just want a family.  We just want to be parents.”

He looks at Ben and I then, and says, “Well I think adoption is probably the most viable option for you at this point.  I’m sorry we couldn’t do better for you guys.  We really wanted it to work.  You’re going to be great parents, regardless.”

Dr. Boldt hands me his business card and says, “If you want some recommendations of agencies to use for adoption, just email me.”  Dr. Carnovale chimes in and says, “And if you decide to do an egg donor, let me know.”

We shake hands and leave.  As we pull out of the parking lot, I know deep down, we’ll never be back.

Ben and I know that adoption is something we’re totally comfortable with and that it will likely be our next journey, but in that moment we decide to take a break and revisit our options in September.  I’ve got a busy fall ahead of me – and we need time to grieve, collect ourselves, and mentally be in a place to move on.

Today, Thanksgiving Day 2014, as I write this blog, I feel thankful.  I feel blessed.  I feel thankful for all of you – the readers – who’ve offered us an enormous amount of support and love and encouragement.  I feel blessed that so many of you have entrusted, to us, you’re stories of fertility and family, too.  I feel blessed that we have our health.  Most of all, we feel lucky, that we have the ability to take a new step, in a new direction, on a new journey.

Ben and I are closing in on the final stages of being approved to adopt.  We made the decision in September that adoption was our next journey.  I can’t wait share with all of you what we’ve been up to – and let you walk this path with us.

But today, I just deeply believe that we have so much to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  May you and your families find much to be thankful for, too.