Part 14.

The first eight days of stabbing myself started to get easier. I had gotten used to injecting myself multiple times a day.  After I got over that hurdle the next thing I have to worry about was my baseline appointment. I was scheduled for my baseline appointment on Friday, May 2nd.  The baseline appointment is where the doctor first takes a look at your ovaries after the first week of injections to be sure there’s no potential issues before they start stimulating your ovaries in the IVF process. I was so nervous.

After hearing Sarah, Dr. Carnovale’s nurse, allude to the fact that some women won’t be able to proceed after their baseline day, I was edgy.  I didn’t want to hear any bad news.  I just wanted to get started with the IVF cycle. I was worried that there might be an issue – that maybe my endometriosis grew back or that I had another *gulp* cyst.  So I fixated on all the things that could go wrong – and that’s all I could focus on.

Ben and I jump into the car at 8 a.m. to leave plenty of time to make it to the 9 a.m. appointment.  After the IVF class I took, Ben is insistent about coming to every appointment at Dr. Carnovale’s with me.  The whole car ride all I can think about is all the things that could go wrong.  How we could hear a “no go” with this month’s IVF cycle, which means that we would have to wait until OCTOBER.  I don’t want to wait until October.  I want to start NOW.

As  Ben turns onto Shadeland Ave. toward the hospital, I begin to panic.  My heart is racing.  I start feeling really warm.  All I can think is:

“Dear Lord, please just let us have some good news today.  All I want is some good news today.”

Ben pulls into the parking lot, into a parking space, and puts the car in park.  My hand is already pulling at the door handle ready to get out of the car and practically run into the building.  I’m anxious for it all to be over.  So I’m in the “let’s hurry up and get this over with” mode. Ben grabs my hand and says, “Whatever happens, it’s all going to be okay.”

He’s right, but it’s hard to believe him in that moment.

We get out of the car, walk into the building, and up to the 3rd floor to Dr. Carnovale’s office.  As we turn the long hallway to the office, we see that, again, the waiting room is full.  We head in, sit down, and wait.

We probably wait 10 whole minutes, but those 10 minutes feel like a lifetime.  In and out the patients come and go – some happy and smiling – some not.  I am a ball of stress.

The door opens and Sarah’s smiling, bubbly face pops through and says, “Jessica.”

We walk back to Room 1.  I hate room 1.  It’s the room I learned that I’d have to have another surgery.  It’s the room that all bad news comes from.  You become really superstious during all this fertility stuff because you want to find reasons for everything that’s happening to you – so you fixate on the things that you can control – the things that you can explain – the things you can blame. Regardless of whether it’s in my head or not, I hate room 1.  And now I’m REALLY nervous.

Sarah instructs me to disrobe from the waist down, cover with the blanket, and Dr. Carnovale would be in soon.  I follow the instructions and then sit down on the table.  I can’t sit still.  I’m swinging my legs furiously.  I’m antsy and edgy.

Ben’s calming voice says, “It’s all going to be fine, babe. Whatever happens, it’s going to be fine.”