There’s this mark of shame, almost like the Scarlett Letter, that women with infertility problems wear.

Women who have struggles conceiving ride this constant emotional roller coaster.  They ask themselves a thousand questions daily.

I could probably type the list of questions for days.  These aren’t unique to me – the overwhelming sense of wanting to understand “why” lives in so many of us – whether it’s ourselves, a friend, a daughter, a son, a perfect stranger – we want to know why someone who wants to be a parent, can’t.

It’s confusing, it’s challenging, and it’s frustrating.

What I’ve learned in this journey, is that no journey is the same.  Every story is different.  Yet every story is real and true and challenging and painful.  Most women (and their partners) live silently on this painful road, talking to very few people about the very real crap that’s happening to them.  We’re afraid and ashamed to say out loud, “I can’t get pregnant.” or “I had a miscarriage.” or “It’s not fair.” or any of the other number of things we deal with – that are sensitive and personal in nature.  Instead, we keep silent – afraid to break the barrier, afraid to have a conversation, and share our personal journeys with others.

We can’t be silent anymore.  We can’t be ashamed anymore.

I know I’ve said this before and I’ve beat the drum loudly about talking about women’s health.  But there’s a barrier to us, as women, speaking out and up about our health…

That barrier is shame.

Shame in the fact that we can’t perform one of our most basic duties as humans – multiplying.

So we stay silent.  We compartmentalize.  We deal with our painful journey alone.

What I’ve learned, through the sharing my personal journey, is that there are a thousand other “Me too’s” and by opening my heart and using my voice to share my journey with the world, I’ve inherently given permission for other women to do the same.  To vulnerably and openly share, too.

So, don’t be ashamed.  Talk about it.  Start with a friend, a partner, or me.  The emotions you feel are real and they are valid and there’s nothing to be ashamed of.  It is through talking about it, that we grieve, feel, hurt, and inevitably begin to heal.  Yep, talking about it helps you heal.

But just like every issue facing humanity, there’s a flip side of the coin.

There’s women who can get pregnant.  Friends, neighbors, colleagues, strangers who are experiencing the very real joy of growing their family and creating life!

That joy and excitement and beauty is just as real and just as valid as the pain and struggle that other women are experiencing.

What I’ve noticed, since being so open and honest about my struggle growing our family, is that my friends, colleagues, Facebook friends, and neighbors who are getting pregnant – don’t want to share their joy with me.

There’s no malice in that decision.  It’s a decision meant to protect me.  I get it.

But I say to you:

Don’t hide your joy.

I’m happy for you – seriously.  I wouldn’t wish what I am going through on my worst enemy.  I wouldn’t want any woman to ever have to experience the pain, struggle, and emotional roller coaster that I’ve been on for the last year of my life.  I’d hope that any woman that wants to be a mother, has the ability to be a mother.

I don’t want you to hide your joy from me – I want to celebrate with you.  You’re growing a human!  That’s impressive.  That’s exciting!  That’s a miracle!!!  That’s reason to shout with joy from the roof – not hide it in fear of hurting me or the others in your life who are having trouble growing their family.

Don’t hid your joy – please – let me feel your joy with you.

Now, I recognize that not every woman experiencing infertility will feel this way.  I might be an outlier in this sentiment.  However, I believe in the words of the great Eleanor Roosevelt:

“Since you get more joy out of giving joy to others, you should put a great deal of thought into the happiness that you are able to give.”  – Eleanor Roosevelt

My joy comes from yours.   Don’t hide it.

We’re all in this together.  We’ll never get anywhere until we can be open, honest, and vulnerable with each other – good and bad.  It is through those things that we build understanding, openness, compassion, and empathy.

Don’t be ashamed.  Don’t hide your joy.

Let’s talk about it, instead.